Blair & Dorian [2003-2005]

[Blair threatens Mitch at gunpoint]
Blair: I want you to listen very carefully. You're going to tell me where Todd is, or I'm going to kill you.
[Dorian comes into the room]
Dorian: Don't do it, Blair!
Blair: Dorian? You're -- you're back.
Dorian: Yes, I'm back. And please, do not ruin my homecoming by splattering blood all over my living room.


Blair: (about Mitch) What judge or jury is going to punish me for killing that bastard?
Dorian: They certainly punished me!


Dorian: I can't wait to go to sleep in my own bed.
Blair: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait -- it's kind of taped off.
Dorian: Taped off?
Blair: Well, you know, it's a -- crime scene. Sam, in your bedroom.
Dorian: In my bed??
Blair: Yeah.
Dorian: Oh, fine. All right, I can't wait to go to sleep in the guest room.
Blair: Well, I'm kind of --
Dorian: Okay, fine. I can't wait to go to sleep in the other guest room?
Blair: Good night.
Dorian: Good night. It's good to be home!


Dorian: If I hadn't walked in when I did, Blair would have shot you.
Mitch: Oh, she never would have pulled the trigger.
Dorian: You don't know Blair. She would do anything to protect her family. And her family is my family.


Blair: Why do you have to control everybody again?
Dorian: I think you could use a little controlling, young lady. Oh, running around here waving a gun, trying to get Mitch to talk? Come on. We're Cramer women. We're smart, we're tough, and that's why we survive.


Dorian: (to Blair, about Cassie) Just as well she left. She's not as strong as we are.


[Dorian picks up the Badhra Diamond]
Blair: You said that there was a curse story! Put it back!
Dorian: Haven't you entered the 21st century? There's no such thing as a curse.
Blair: Oh, yeah? What about the Cramer Curse?


Dorian: A dead body does not just disappear on its own.
Blair: Well, maybe it was moved, or maybe you were right. Maybe he's alive.
Dorian: In either case, we're in deep trouble.
Blair: What's this "we," Tonto? No, not "we." You. I'm out of here.


Blair: Well, I guess we can look on the bright side of things. If Craig's body has disappeared, that means he took his dead body with him.
Dorian: Oh, right! Thank you, Ms. Glass-Half-Full.


Dorian: I told you that Blair and I had been to the park, where we were at a quaint little concert in the gazebo. They have a special one each week.
Bo: Come on, Dorian. You know what? The idea of you two sitting in the park listening to the Llanview Symphony --
Blair: Actually, Bo, it was Sousa Marches. You didn't get this flier in the mail? Next week, they're doing the "1812 Overture."
Bo: Well, boom.
Dorian: You should drop by and broaden your horizons -- musically speaking. Life does not begin and end with rock 'n' roll.


Dorian: Tonight, I am going to assume my rightful place at the head of the dining table at Llanfair. Not Victor, not Viki, not Mitch, but me! Oh, honey, it's going to be so fabulous! Finally, finally, I'm going to get everything I've ever wanted. It's going to be mine!
Blair: Yours?
Dorian: Ours. Ours, our family's.
Blair: Ours. Great.


[Mitch's will kicked Dorian out of Llanfair]
Blair: Where are you going, Dorian?
Dorian: I am going to get every last thing that I have in Llanfair out of there, and then I'm going to burn the place down!


Dorian: I am not only Mitch Lawrence's widow, I am Victor Lord's widow. And everybody seems to be forgetting that.
Blair: No, no, no. No one's forgotten, Dorian.


Dorian: (to Troy) You think you know Blair, but you don't. You could never possibly understand a woman like that, so my advice to you is don't even try. Because you'll only end up with nothing, except maybe a broken heart.


Blair: Look, I am so sorry that my aunt misled you, but she couldn't offer you a discount subscription to The Sun, much less a job. My ex-husband owns that paper.
Dorian: Blair, it's really not healthy for you to keep pretending this way. As difficult as it may be, you have got to accept the fact that Todd isn't coming back.
Blair: We don't know that for sure, Dorian.


Blair: (about Mitch) Did you get anything out of him?
Dorian: Just a smokescreen of Biblical proportion. I think it's better if we all stay away from him.
Blair: Well, did he say anything about Todd?
Dorian: I didn't get a chance to ask.
Blair: Well, I am going to go find out. I'm going to ask him a lot of questions.
Dorian: Unless your questions have something to do with fire, brimstone, and righteousness, just -- good luck.


Blair: Go and plot how you're going to turn The Sun into the biggest, nastiest rag on the east coast while I'm shipped off to prison for a crime that I didn't commit. Just go.
Dorian: We are not going to let that happen. We are Cramer women, and we survive dungeons, dragons, bad choices in men. What -- what can a few trumped-up murder charges do? That is, provided you're innocent.


Dorian: "'Sun's' Publisher Unfairly Attacked By Rival." Oh, very interesting. Unfortunately, we can't print it.
Blair: Why not?
Dorian: Because you are The Sun's publisher and editor. Honey, it's conflict of interest.
Blair: Oh, excuse me, Ms. Aliens-Have-Landed.


Dorian: While we are being blunt --
Blair: Mm-hmm.
Dorian: Uh-huh. You have the most horrific taste in men. Do I need to remind you? For heaven's sake, you were in love with Todd!


Blair: So, who's out by the pool?
Dorian: River.
Blair: Oh, way to discipline with that iron fist, Dorian. I thought you had him banished to his room.
Dorian: Well, I did, but a boy needs his exercise.
Blair: Oh, please.


Dorian: That dress -- pull it up -- down -- who knows where to begin? You are just begging for trouble!
Blair: It's what Kevin wants, and it's what he's going to get.
Dorian: Oh, I shudder to think what that means.


Dorian: I am telling you, you are crazy, okay, to go to Bermuda with Kevin -- especially in a dress like that.
Blair: We're going to dinner. It's a dinner dress, Dorian.
Dorian: Yeah? And what's on the menu?


Dorian: Just look at her, Queen Victoria, surrounded by admiring courtiers and her loyal, loving family, including my niece, Kelly --
Blair: Oh, but you know what, no, no, no. Don't even go there. Stop.
Dorian: I mean, I'm just as attractive as she is.
Blair: More!
Dorian: And just as smart.
Blair: More!
Dorian: Just as talented.
Blair: More.
Dorian: Yet, I have nobody. I'm on my own.
Blair: I'm here.
Dorian: You're here with the man who almost got me killed.
Blair: Oh, he did not. Would you stop being so dramatic?
Dorian: I hate when you say that.


Blair: (to Dorian) Now let me get this straight. You had a pain in your neck. David offers to come over and massage it out with his shirt off?
Dorian and David: So?
Blair: So, the last time I heard, you two hated each other.
David: Blair, that's why I'm here -- to make amends for causing Dorian so much pain and heartache over the years.
Blair: With your shirt off.
Dorian: And not being one to hold a grudge, I decided to accept his gracious apology.
Blair: With his shirt off.
Dorian: Yeah. Ahem. All's well that ends well.


Blair: Oh, and what are you up to, Dorian?
Dorian: Why is this suddenly about me?
Blair: Because it's always about you.


Blair: Why are you defending Walker, huh?
Dorian: Because I just love the way he looks whenever he sees you.
Blair: Todd used to look at me like that.
Dorian: Todd never loved you the way you deserve to be loved.


Dorian: You cannot allow yourself to be married to a man that you don't trust. I wish somebody had said it to me. I could have avoided a lot of heartbreak.
Blair: Like you were innocent in all of those situations?
Dorian: Thank you very much.


[Viki has a nightmare that she is living out Dorian's life]
Blair: Aunt Dorian, Walker's Todd. What am I going to do?
Viki: Well, people change, Blair. Walker is --
Blair: Todd! His name is Todd! Todd, Todd!
Viki: Be reasonable, Blair. Give love a chance. Talk to him.
Blair: Reasonable? I don't want to be reasonable! I want revenge! And no one does revenge like you do, Aunt Dorian.


Dorian: (about Todd) You know very well what that man is capable of.
Blair: Yeah, I do. And you know what? Now he's going to find out what I'm capable of.


Dorian: Todd wins by mass destruction. Try to remember that.
Blair: And you try to remember that he still loves me and he's vulnerable.
Dorian: And, of course, you have no feelings for him whatsoever.
Blair: None whatsoever -- except contempt.
Dorian: Ok, I need to remind you of a few things. One, he's ruthless. Two, he's relentless. Three, he can take whatever you can dish out and come back fighting until one of you is destroyed.


Dorian: I'm late for a meeting with Kelly.
Blair: Oh, Kelly. Please, go take care of your dear little victim niece Kelly.
Dorian: Excuse me, I take very good care of all my girls!
Blair: Oh, yeah, you do, don't you, Dorian? You're the queen bee around here, aren't you?
Dorian: Oh, please, don't pull the favoritism card now. It's a bit late in the day.


Blair: Maybe I misinterpreted what happened the night of the rape.
Dorian: No, you did not. I mean, I was there. I saw you come down those stairs. Todd had forced himself on you.
Blair: Why won't he admit it?
Dorian: Because he's Todd!


Blair: (about David) Please tell me that you got him to sign a prenup, at least.
Dorian: Yes, yes, I tricked him into signing a prenup, but then again, he tricked me into signing his prenup, and I don't think either of those documents would hold up in a court of law.


Blair: I'm going to be busy working on the magazine with Kevin and -- you know, he's the only one that makes me feel safe.
Dorian: Oh, I didn't hear that.


Dorian: Blair, I think you're forgetting who you are. You're a Cramer. We are family.
Blair: I haven't forgotten anything, Dorian, but you need to remember that Todd and my children are my family, too.
Dorian: Yes, of course. You have a family. You have wonderful children. You have a man who, God help you, you love. And if he's capable of it, he loves you back.


Dorian: I'm afraid if Kelly loses Ace, she'll lose her mind.
Blair: Well, then get her into therapy.


Dorian: What is the matter with you? Augustico is Adriana's brother. I really wanted him to have a good impression of the Cramer side of the family.
Blair: Well, you should have given Kelly a sedative before you invited him over here.


Dorian: The Cramers are in crisis right now. I would think that you would want to stick by your blood relations in their time of need.
Blair: Yeah, whose need, Kelly's? Which cost Todd his job, his reputation?
Dorian: What reputation?


Blair: (to Todd) Don't be crazy!
Dorian: Don't ask for anything you can't get, honey.


Blair: I'm going to ask you to your face -- Cramer to Cramer -- did you murder your own nephew?
Dorian: Blair, honey, we're family. How could you even think such a thing?
Blair: Do you really want me to answer that?


[Blair insists that the Badhra diamond is cursed]
Dorian: (pointing out Blair's engagement ring) Look at the size of that stone. It came off the Badhra necklace, as did my engagement ring -- only mine is much smaller is yours. What are you, four times as cursed?


[A security guard catches Blair and Dorian digging up a grave in the middle of the night]
Guard: What's going on out here?
Dorian: We were just --
Blair: Uh, paying respects for our dear aunt --
Dorian: Janet.
Blair: Yeah.
Guard: What's with the shovels?
Blair: Shovels? Oh, oh, oh, these? Um -- we were planting.
Dorian: Chrysanthemums. It's not too late.
Guard: (on his walkie-talkie) We have a situation out here. Yeah, notify the Llanview P.D.


Blair: (to Bo, about Dorian) She wouldn't have hidden the murder weapon in her office, Bo. Come on, Cramer women are smarter than that.


[Dorian gives Blair a gift before her upcoming wedding to Todd]
Dorian: It's the first really important piece of antique jewelry I was ever able to buy myself.
Blair: Oh, it's beautiful.
Dorian: Yes, well, here. Pick up your hair. Whenever I wore this, it made me feel very strong and independent and beautiful. That's how I want you to feel when you wear it.


Dorian: For goodness sakes, you look like something the cat dragged in. And your children are running around wild? Come on! That is not how a Cramer woman reacts in a crisis.
Blair: I don't feel like being a Cramer woman right now, all right?
Dorian: Well, that's who you are, okay, so just deal with it, all right?


Dorian: Some teenagers can be so trying. Thank goodness my Adriana is such a dear, refined young woman.
Blair: That's because she was raised by somebody else.


Dorian: I'm not up to anything. But Viki? Oh, she's up to some very serious hanky-panky with a student of hers.
Blair: You're accusing Viki of sleeping with one of her students? Okay, Dorian, shall I drive you over to St. Ann's, or do you want to check yourself in?


[Asa runs into Blair and Dorian with Mrs. Bigelow's body]
Asa: Who have you two harpies murdered now?
Blair: Asa, this really, really isn't a good time.
Asa: I'll bet. Isn't that that loony secretary of Manning's? Shouldn't she be, like, six feet under by now?
Dorian: She's making a remarkable recovery.
Asa: Really?
[Asa inspects the body]
Asa: This woman is dead.
Dorian: Technically, yes, she is.
Blair: Look, Asa, it's a lot more complicated than it looks...


[Dorian and Asa start fighting]
Asa: You want a war, Dorian? A war you got.
Blair: No, no, no, no, Asa, we don't want a war. We don't want --
Dorian: Speak for yourself, Blair!


Dorian: (to Viki about Todd) He never did anything good for Blair except fathering those two beautiful children, and he couldn't even do that without breaking her heart.


[Adriana tries to comfort Dorian after Blair's presumed death]
Adriana: Mom, I should've been with you. I'm so sorry.
Dorian: About what?
Adriana: About Blair.
Dorian: Oh. Blair's fine. She wasn't in that car.
Adriana: Mom, but they said on the --
Dorian: I don't want to hear another word about it. They don't know what they're talking about. Blair wasn't in the car and she's fine.


[David tries to comfort Dorian after Blair's presumed death]
David: So, what's going on?
Dorian: Blair is alive.
David: I know.
Dorian: Thank you.
David: No problem.


[After Blair's presumed death...]
Viki: (to Jessica) Todd is devastated. I mean, we all are. Except for Dorian, who simply refuses to believe it. As far as Dorian is concerned, Blair is alive.


Kelly: (about Dorian) She's always trying to protect everyone. She feels like she has to be strong for everyone else, but I have never seen her like this. She's so lost. She's totally destroyed. She and Blair were really close.


Dorian: Blair is going to come home. I know it in my heart.


Dorian: (to David) Do you know what I would really love to have happen? I would love to see Blair just walk through the door. I'd love to be able to hate her again because she's so tall and slim, always looks gorgeous no matter what she's wearing. I want to get into a really rousing fight with her and then make up and have her smile that gorgeous smile of hers that just lights up a room. I'd like to see her with her children again. Sure, she -- she spoils Starr, but she's a wonderful mother. I'd like to see her kiss Jack's tears away. You ask me what's going to finally make me satisfied? It's really very simple. I want my Blair back.


[Blair has moved back in with Todd]
Dorian: Darling, don't you see, this is suicidal. You're coming back here to live with a human time bomb.


Blair: Well, well, well. Now, isn't this a miracle -- a beautiful day in the park, picnic with my family, and you and Todd are being actually civil to each other, not one snarky word. Amazing!
Dorian: The day is still young. Besides, why waste my energy with mere snarkiness when what I really want to do is wring his filthy neck?


[Todd leaves the picnic]
Dorian: (to Blair) Was it something I said, I hope?


[Dorian learns that Margaret raped Todd]
Dorian: How ironic, though -- Todd being raped.
Blair: Oh, you know, Dorian, please, please.
Dorian: I'm having a little trouble visualizing how that would work.


Dorian: Why are you so distracted?
Blair: Oh, I don't know, Dorian. Maybe it's the fact that there's a psychotic accountant out on the loose that has a fatal attraction to my fiancé. I don't know.


Blair: Asa promised me that Margaret was not going to get anywhere near us.
Dorian: Trusting Asa Buchanan is a huge lapse in judgment. Trusting Todd could get you killed.


Dorian: Oh, Blair, please don't feel badly about not returning my calls because we don't have anything important we need to talk about. Besides, you're far too busy taking potshots at nuns.
Todd: Back off, Dorian.
Dorian: You, butt out. Honey, you could be in jail right now. What were you thinking?
Todd: She was thinking that Margaret was going to kill her mother.
Dorian: Yes, and so she decided to try attempted murder? Todd, if Blair goes around killing people, what is she going to need you for?


Dorian: (about Todd) He's got to start taking responsibility for his actions, and you have to stop shooting up mental hospitals.
Blair: Oh, come on!


Dorian: (to Kelly) You know I think it's a very bad idea, a very dangerous thing for you to try and carry a baby again. And you know that I'm a doctor and I know what I'm talking about.
Blair: Excuse me, Kelly, did she actually give an opinion and is going to allow you to make your own decision here? I mean --
Kelly and Blair: Nah.


Dorian: Oh, my goodness! You girls got me presents?
Blair: Can you imagine that?
Kelly: Yes, we got you everything on that list you gave us.
Blair: What a shocker!


[Opening risque gifts at Dorian's bridal shower]
Dorian: Everything you got me is so gorgeous, and a lot of it's awfully naughty. David's going to love it.
Blair: You even got the instructions.
Dorian: We don't NEED the instructions....


Dorian: (to Blair) You know the nice thing about having your own portrait? You always have somebody trustworthy that you can talk to.


Dorian: No pain, no sentimentality. We Cramer women cannot afford that.
Blair: "We"? What's this "we" stuff?


Blair: (to Dorian) You know, life is amazing sometimes. I pull in your driveway and I see men's clothing strewn all over your yard. I walk in here, and there is a woman that was left at the altar speaking to her portrait. She turns to me and she decides to tell ME how to lead MY life.


Dorian: Margaret thought that she could handle Todd, and look what happened to her and her baby. Honey, just think of what could happen to you and your children.
Blair: I've let so many things that you've said and done to me pass by, Dorian, but I swear to you I will never forget or forgive what you just said to me.


Dorian: (to Blair) I think that Todd is missing some kind of a gene. I think that he lacks a conscience. I think that he doesn't think that anybody else is real! He believes at best that you and your children are just supporting characters in the "Todd Manning Horror Show."


Dorian: (about Todd) He's been charged with two murders!
Blair: Oh, excuse me, I forgot. I forgot, you wouldn't know anything about being charged with something you're not guilty of, would you?


Dorian: (to Blair) You know, I hate to say this, I really do. But I'm going to say it: Blair, you are a bum magnet.


Dorian: Spencer is a user just like Todd is.
Blair: Oh, yeah, and you just hate those manipulative types, huh?
Dorian: I know that I have done some wrong things.
Blair: You?


Dorian: Honey, I've told you I'm not going to lie to you. There is nothing I would like for Christmas more than to see Todd on the receiving end of a lethal injection.
Blair: How dare you.
Dorian: It's bad enough what he did to Margaret and her unborn child, but what about what he has done to you? For years and years and years, he's dragged you through the mud, he's made your life a nightmare. I mean, really, do you even remember what it's like to feel happy?


[Dorian shows off a gingerbread house version of La Boulaie]
Blair: No way. You did not make this. You cannot convince me, I don't care what you do--
Dorian: Yes, I did!
Blair: You did not make this all by yourself.
Dorian: I made it for Jack and Starr.
Blair: Was it $5,000?
Dorian: Shh! I -- I wanted to have a replica of La Boulaie. I wanted these children to have a sense of tradition that no matter what, our house will stand.


Blair: Do you think that I'm stupid?
Dorian: No, I don't. But I think you've got a blind spot when it comes to men. In fact, I would even call it a death wish.


Blair: Spencer's the only person who has stood beside me.
Dorian: That's because he wants to get you in bed!