While Todd is out learning the truth about his paternity (see previous transcript), an oblivious Blair is alone at the penthouse, ranting about her good fortune to an invisible audience.

Blair: Well, I've got news for all you goody-goodies! I have traded up! You can keep your Cord Robertses and your Max Holdens and all your other fine, upstanding men...because I've invested in the future, and my future's name is --

Suddenly the phone rings. Blair picks it up.

Blair: Hello?

It's Todd, calling from a payphone at a strange bar.

Todd: (drunk) Hey, honey. I'm home.
Blair: Todd?
Todd: Yeah, it's me. Unless you got another husband somewhere else. (sips beer)
Blair: Todd, where -- where are you? You sound like I -- I should come pick you up.
Todd: Nah, forget it. Better yet, forget you ever met me.

Todd drunkenly drops the phone so that it dangles from the cord. He takes another sip of beer as Blair yells his name through the receiver.

--end scene--

When the scene returns, Blair is still trying desperately to get Todd to pick the phone back up.

Blair: Todd, what happened? It sounds like something happened. Talk to me!

Todd stoops down to pick up the phone, but instead of putting it to his ear, he holds it to his mouth like a microphone.

Todd: Forget about me. You know, I'm like that -- what's her name, that chick in that story?
Blair: What??
Todd: You know, she -- she, uh, she swallows that drink and she gets really small and then she falls down that hole and she can't get back up.... Alice! That's her name, Alice. Yeah, I'm in Wonderland now. No turning back. (sips beer)
Blair: Where are you, Todd? Are you -- are you at Rodi's?
Todd: I'm at the Mad Hatter's tea party, right? Today's my unbirthday. Happy Unbirthday to me.
Blair: Look, Todd, look, honey, let me help you celebrate your unbirthday. I mean, misery loves company, right? I mean, what's the good of being pathetic if you don't have anybody pathetic to share it with, right?
Todd: Good old Blair. Pathetic. You'd like this place. It's just like where we got married, except there ain't no beach.
Blair: Key West! Are you at a bar called Key West?
Todd: I told you -- I'm not at a bar! I'm at the Mad Hatter's tea party! Don't you listen?
Blair: Todd...Todd, you're my husband. I -- I can't leave you alone.
Todd: Forget about it. You're better off without me...you, the kid, everybody. I really made a mistake, making that kid. There's some screwed-up genes in my family. So why don't you go find this key a good father, a real father. Why don't you -- work things out with Cord? Forget you ever met me.

Todd holds the phone away from his mouth and prepares to hang up. Blair continues calling his name through the receiver. He hears her and hesitates for a moment before finally hanging the phone up.

--end scene--

At the penthouse, Blair is quickly searching through the phone book, looking for a bar that matches the description Todd gave her.

Blair: It's like where we got married except minus the beach? Now, what is that --

She catches sight of an ad that may fit.

Blair: -- supposed to mean...wait a minute. "The Flaming Flamingo: North Llanview's choice in adult entertainment. Topless karaoke every night." Yuck. Wait. Flamingos -- there were those tacky flamingos in front of the -- the motel after the wedding. Could that be what he meant? I hope so. I just hope it's right!

Blair gathers her things and rushes to the door -- only to open it to Tina on the other side.

Blair: Oh! Tina!
Tina: In a rush, are we?
Blair: Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Blair tries to go out the door but Tina brushes past her and walks inside.

Tina: Well, don't let me stop you. I'm here to see my brother.
Blair: Your what?
Tina: Don't play dumb, dear. I know you know. I know what's going on, and I think it's time Todd found out for himself. So be a good little wife and tell hubby I'm here.

--end scene--

Blair: My husband isn't here, so you can take your little insinuations and go back to wherever you came from.
Tina: Who's "insinuating"? I'm gonna tell him the truth.

Tina waltzes into the penthouse living room.

Tina: Todd? Todd, are you here?
Blair: Tina, Tina, I already told you that my husband isn't here.
Tina: Well, then where is he? Or don't you know? (pleased) Maybe my brother wised up on his own and he got out while the getting is good.
Blair: Poor Tina! You know, something must have snapped in that little head of yours when you found out that David Vickers wasn't your brother 'cause now every man in town is suddenly a candidate?
Tina: Nice try, hon. Todd knows he's Victor Lord's son. I was there when the news hit him square between the eyes. Too bad he didn't figure it out sooner, before you tricked him into a shotgun wedding.

Now it's time for Blair to feign surprise.

Blair: Wait, wait, wait a minute -- are you saying that you and Todd have the same biological -- (raising her hands to her mouth in shock) That Todd is -- is Victor Lord's son?
Tina: And they accuse me of playing dumb.
Blair: You know, Tina, this suddenly makes sense! You know, I always knew that he was adopted, and then -- then there were those comments that Peter Manning made right before he died, and then -- and then there was David Vickers, who was so interested in Todd's past! (laughing happily) Oh, I can't believe it! My husband is actually the heir to Victor Lord!
Tina: (bored) All right, okay, spare me the innocent "discovery" act. I know that usually works on men, but I'm immune to it, sweetie, okay? There's only one reason why you married Todd. No, excuse me, 27.8 million reasons.
Blair: Excuse me, but is that number supposed to mean anything to me?
Tina: Oh, it means the world to you, sweetie! That's your ticket out of the briar patch and into the mansion! No wonder you dropped Cord. I mean, he's good and he's sweet and he's even well-off, but he can't compare to Victor Lord's bastard son.
Blair: I had no idea that Todd was in line to inherit anything, much less -- what -- what was that -- that number? 26? 27? 20 --
Tina: 27.8, as if you don't have it memorized down to the penny. I mean, why else would you marry the guy? Do you expect me to believe it was all for love?
Blair: Love in every sense of the word -- the love, Tina, that we share. See, marriage was a necessity because, uh, we're gonna have a baby.

Tina's eyes and mouth widen in shock.

--end scene--

Tina: Pregnant?
Blair: Tina, believe me, I was shocked, too! You should -- I almost fainted on the bathroom floor when I saw the test. (with realization) This is amazing -- you -- you're going to be Aunt Tina to our little bundle of joy!

Tina's shock suddenly wears off.

Tina: Wait. Didn't you use this to trick Asa before, to keep him, to stay married to you? I gotta admit, I -- I admire your brass. Any other woman would be too ashamed to fall back on this false pregnancy bit, but not you.
Blair: You know, Tina, I thought you of all people would know that it's not fair to judge someone by their past mistakes.
Tina: Oh, it won't have to be up to me to judge. I'll leave it up to Todd.
Blair: Todd is very happy about this pregnancy. Because, see, he never knew who his real biological parents were. So he's taking a very special responsibility.
Tina: I bet, and you counted on that. You saw his weakness and you just -- right into it.
Blair: Tina, I'm the only person in this town who's ever been nice to Todd -- completely honest with him. Oh, and now you -- you're suddenly his sister, and do you think that he is gonna treasure your advice? Get real!
Tina: You want "real," Blair? Here's "real" -- I hate the idea that Todd Manning is my brother, and I hate the idea that he stands to inherit money that ought to be mine! But I really loathe the idea that you could get your claws on all this money, but you're not! You're not.

With this vow, Tina grabs her purse and coat and prepares to leave the room.

Blair: You know, Tina, you really -- sweetie, sweetie, you should get a grip on that anger. In fact, I know a great therapist!
Tina: Oh, I don't need a therapist. Insanity doesn't run in my family like it runs in yours.
Blair: Oh, just depravity, huh?
Tina: Whatever we are, we know how to deal with cheap little crooks.
Blair: Oh, that's right! You marry them!
Tina: At least I marry for love. There's a word for women like you.
Blair: Rich?
Tina: I wouldn't count your credit cards before they're validated. I'm gonna go find your poor, deluded husband and tell him the truth about his wife's pregnancy. And then, Mrs. Manning, you can say good-bye to all those millions.

Tina stalks out the door. Once she's gone, Blair starts to look a little unnerved at the idea that Tina is onto her.

--end transcript--